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How to Have an Amicable Divorce

After many years of doing a soul-search and trying to make your marriage work, you have made a difficult decision to divorce your spouse. However, you do not want your divorce to be full of drama and chaos. You want to make the entire divorce process as smooth as possible. You are very much aware that a divorce process can turn sour, making you spend a considerable amount of money and leave permanent scars on you and your children. The big question in your mind is; is an amicable divorce even possible?  San Diego Divorce Attorney can help you understand how to have a seamless and peaceful divorce.  Some of the tips for amicable divorce include the following. 

Make a Decision to Divorce Amicably

During a divorce, you may experience an intense temptation to blame the other spouse for the failure of the marriage. However, it is good to refrain from this temptation.  At times, your partner may not even have contributed to the break-up. Many factors can lead to divorce. When you first joined in marriage, you may have been compatible and found much joy in each other. However, as time went by, your interests may have changed, making you drift apart. Maybe you did not have enough time for each other. It is common for spouses to get so wrapped in their careers and professional lives that they forget each other. Also, when a couple gets children, they may get too involved in the children, and they forget each other.

No matter the cause of the break, if you have reached the point of divorce, there is no more room for blame. You may not achieve much if you start to blame each other; you will only make the process more complicated. If you choose to go through a divorce without blaming one another, you will enjoy an amicable divorce process. If you choose to focus on each other's mistakes during divorce, your chance of enjoying an amicable divorce process will fly out the window. 

Keep Your Focus on the Big Picture

So many small and insignificant issues can delay your divorce. Therefore, during the divorce process, it is advisable to choose your battles wisely. Look at the big picture like the division of assets and the well-being of your children. Dragging too many things into the divorce process will only create room for adversary and confrontation. If you have the goal of going through a divorce amicably, you have to avoid fighting over small things.

How can you avoid fighting over insignificant issues during a divorce? You need to start by taking some time and considering what is most important to you. What would you like to achieve during and after the divorce? You should have some time to soul-search before you even start the divorce negotiations with your partner.  Once you have clarity on how things should be, you will be able to have a peaceful negotiation with your spouse and avoid getting caught up in the muck.

If you and your spouse have children, you should know that your decisions will affect the well-being of the children.  No one wins in a divorce case. Instead of focusing on winning or on seeking revenge against your partner, focus on what is best for your children. If you choose to have an amicable divorce, you will raise your chances of reaching an agreement that you will feel most comfortable.

Have an Open and Transparent Negotiation

During a divorce, you may feel tempted to hide some assets or to underreport your income. Hiding assets may seem like a witty tactic, but it may only make the divorce process disastrous and end up costing you significant amounts of money. To have an amicable divorce free from fights, you have to adopt a good faith negotiation. During a good faith negotiation, you must be willing to reveal all the relevant financial information. You have to ensure to the best of your capability that the financial information you provide is truthful, accurate, and complete. 

During an amicable divorce, you have to paint a complete picture of all the issues you have to discuss. Both spouses have to agree to place all their cards on the table. Do not attempt to hide your income even if you feel that your spouse does not deserve a dime from it.  Other than disclosing all assets and incomes, you also need to give the correct information on your expenses and other factors like tax returns and outstanding debts. In a marriage, one party may have more understanding of financial information than the other spouse. For instance, a wife may have a better understanding of household expenses than the husband. With full disclosure, both parties are able to have access to information they may not have had before. 

In order to have an amicable divorce, you and your spouse have to trust each other. It does not mean that you have to be the best of friends. Also, it does not mean that you have to agree on all issues of the divorce like alimony and custody of the children. It means that you have to trust each other through good-faith negotiation. This negotiation helps to keep the divorce negotiations open and transparent, leading to an amicable process.  

Place the Needs of your Children First

If you focus more on your personal interests and ambitions during divorce, you are likely to have a difficult divorce. However, you can achieve an amicable divorce if you place the needs of your children before your own. You can do this by planning to be good co-parents to your children.  Above all, focus on the process of mediation and seek to build up good relationships instead of destroying the existing relationships.

Instead of acting as litigants, choose to be good parents to your children and decide what is good for them as their parents. Ensure that each one of you will spend adequate time with the children because even after divorce, children still need the love and attention of both parents. Work together and come up with a good child support system. This way, you will ensure that your children will not become victims of your divorce and encounter difficult economic challenges.  

If Possible, Settle the Divorce Out of Court

In most times, amicable divorces take place out of court through alternative dispute resolution. Instead of taking your divorce case to court, you may consider an out of court settlement. Common out of court settlement methods includes arbitration and mediation.  Out of court settlements provide an environment of dignity and mutual respect. Avoid an environment that may make the divorce process hostile, confrontational, or antagonistic. It is common for court cases to turn sour, reducing you and your spouse to enemies vowing to fight each other to the end.  For a peaceful divorce, it is wise to avoid any process that may drag you, your spouse, and the kids to the mud. 

Through amicable divorce resolution, you can focus on respectful dialog and come to a mutual agreement. You will avoid the dangers of hostile divorce, including undergoing a financial ruin. You will also avoid instances of emotional devastation for both you and your children. 

Avoid Bad Mouthing Your Ex-Spouse

If you are seeking an amicable divorce, you should avoid talking ill about your partner. During the process of divorce, it is common for people to badmouth each other while seeking consolation from friends and family. You may talk ill about your partner to make him/her look bad. You may do this to prove that your partner is at fault or that your partner is the cause of divorce. Doing this shows that you have not embraced the divorce and also shows that you are not dealing with the divorce in a mature and reasonable manner. If your partner learns of the bad things you are talking about them, they may decide to make the divorce process much harder for you.

It is always good to remember that a marriage is a covenant between two people. It takes two people to build a marriage and have children. At the time you were joining in marriage, you did not seek approval from your friends or even involve them in the intimate issues of your union. The same case should apply when you are ending your marriage. Do not allow so many people into the divorce proceedings because, at the end of the day, it is your decision and that of your spouse that matters.  If you encounter third parties who attempt to turn you against your partner or to turn your children against one partner, it is better to avoid them. Let them know that it is not in their place to give you counsel in the course of a divorce.

Seek Help and Emotional Support

A divorce entails making major life-changing decisions. These decisions affect not only our lives but also the lives of our children. Therefore, during divorce, it is common to undergo an emotional upheaval. You are likely to try to be strong and put up a brave front. However, it is good to admit that at some point in our lives, we need support and encouragement. We need someone to assure us that despite the current problems, good times will come.

Consider finding someone who understands you and someone who knows what you are going through. Open up your heart to them and tell them how you feel. Do not pretend that everything is okay, yet it is not. It is advisable to work with an expert who can offer you valuable support. At times our friends and families may not be the best people to confide in. They love you and will often gang up with you against your income. They may not offer you an objective counsel but may try to incite you against your spouse. Other than helping you go through the divorce process amicably, friends and family may make you develop a negative thought pattern.  They may make you turn hostile towards your partner, and this will ruin your chances of having an amicable divorce. 

In the past, it was hard to access expert help during a divorce. This means that people had to find ways of coping with the emotional distress of a divorce the hard way. However, times have changed; you can easily seek professional assistance to help build coping skills and give you the ability to go through the process of divorce without falling apart. You may continue to seek emotional support after divorce because this will enable you to gain a clearer picture of the future. You will also be able to be a better and more positive parent while co-parenting. 

Avoid Bitterness during Division of Assets

The division of assets during a divorce is often an emotive process because partners may feel robbed or taken advantage of. It is common for arguments to result as partners decide who deserves what. Instead of focusing on what you will retain after divorce, you should focus on building a new life. This focus will help you to avoid attaching too much value to assets, which at the end of the day will remind you of the failed marriage.

Being civil during the division of assets does not mean that you should give up your rights and not fight for what you deserve. It is good to have documented evidence of assets and other supporting documents that can help you negotiate for your fair share of assets in the divorce. Some couples often opts to have a written financial history of their marriage. This history gives information on the individual resources of a spouse, share property, individual liabilities, and individual assets.

You may opt to allow your spouse to take what they want from the house. You may be surprised at how little they may take. Their sense of responsibility and guilt may prevent them from taking advantage of you. However, you know your spouse best, and you understand how he/she is likely to behave if given a chance to take some items from the house.

Be at Peace with Self

During and after divorce, you have to learn to see yourself as an individual again instead of an intimate couple. You have to master the art of being you and standing on your own. In the beginning, you are likely to experience intense feelings of anger, denial, and grief. With time, the feeling of acceptance will replace the bitterness.

It is important to give yourself time to grief and agonize over the loss of your marriage. Irrespective of whether you initiated the divorce or not, you will experience feelings of self-pity. You may also experience wrath towards your partner and feel like they are responsible for your anguish. Depending on the circumstances surrounding the divorce, at times a divorce may feel like a relief. No matter how you feel, ensure that you treat your partner with dignity and give him/her the due respect during the divorce period and even after. 

To maintain your peace of mind throughout the process, you should avoid self-blame. Do not dwell too much on what you should have done to prevent the divorce from happening. For a marriage to work, it requires two people, and both of them must be in consent. Therefore, unless both of you are willing to make the marriage work, there is nothing you can do to prevent the divorce. You should, therefore, avoid blaming yourself and instead focus on having an amicable divorce process.  Accept the fact that your marriage has come to an end and focus on other things like finding your new sense of purpose. As long as you are at peace with yourself, you can maintain calmness throughout the divorce process, and even after the divorce. 

Live Amicably Even After the Divorce

You do not just need to divorce amicably; you also need to live amicably after the divorce. There may be some future interactions with your spouse, especially if children are in the picture. You may decide to treat future interactions with your spouse as a professional or business-like. The children are your business at hand, and you can meet up without experiencing bitterness.

If you hold a phone conversation with your spouse and you realize that the meeting may end in shouting, ensure that you end the conversation immediately.  It is always good to hold a conversation when both parties are calm. Especially, avoid arguing during meetups with your children. It will be of no use if you divorce amicably only to display wrath and turmoil to your children after the divorce. 

After the divorce, avoid using children to relay information to your spouse. Avoid involving yourself in personal modes of communication. When communicating with your spouse, keep all your points simple and straight to the point. No matter how tempted you may feel to seek counsel and information from your ex-spouse, avoid giving in to the temptation. 

Find a Affordable San Diego Divorce Lawyer Near Me

It is clear that a divorce is not all about being harsh and money-hungry. It is possible to divorce in an amicable manner. At San Diego Divorce Attorney, we can help you have an amicable divorce that will not hurt you for many years to come.  Contact us at 858-529-5150 and speak with one of our attorneys today. 


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