The promise of marital bliss seems eternal but going by the high divorce rates in California and other states; not all marriages are meant to last. The American Psychological Association surmises that more than 90% of people get married before they turn 50. Happy marital unions have many benefits starting with the physical and mental health of the couple, and they are suitable for raising children.
Despite these benefits, the beautiful years often morph into constant bickering and unbecoming actions that make staying married impossible. The decision to separate and eventual divorce is not an easy one, especially when children are involved. San Diego Divorce Attorney has prepared this blog explaining the main reasons why couples end up going their separate ways.
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Infidelity
Unfaithfulness is the foremost reason why couples dissolve their marriage, and this can be either person's fault; the wife may cheat and vice versa. Research by the Austin Institute surmises that cheating spouses are the most common reason why couples ask for a divorce. More so, women are the most affected, with 55% of survey participants wanting to leave their marriages.
Data vary, but the general estimate is that 60% of men and 40% of women engage in extramarital affairs at one point in their marriage. The other party feels betrayed, and the emotional anguish can pester long after their spouse apologizes and departs from their wayward actions. The spouse may express anger through heated verbal exchanges, drinking, or destroying property like the cheating spouse's vehicle or other prized possessions.
The feelings of rejection can be numbing and make the man or woman develop a low opinion of themselves, especially when no explanation or apology is forthcoming. You may feel unworthy of love and a wide berth of emotions as you seek to understand why they cheated. The hurt is worse if your spouse cheated with a close friend or someone you know as this feels like a double betrayal.
In other instances, there is a denial of the affair even when the signs are apparent like coming home late from work for unexplained reasons, secret phone calls, credit card transactions of gifts, etc. Refusing to accept that your spouse is unfaithful can break one's spirit and lead them to self-medicate with alcohol and chemical substances. Binge eating comfort foods to fight stress may follow, and the potential weight gain only compounds the problem.
If your spouse has been carrying on one or multiple affairs throughout your marriage, leaving could be the best option for you. We can help you with the separation and divorce proceedings, so you start life anew and have another chance of finding happiness.
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Unresponsiveness
The same study found that unresponsiveness was the second-most reason for couples wanting to separate where one or both partners refuse to address the other person's needs. Unresponsiveness could be due to a breakdown of communication or the lack of communication altogether. After being married for a while, the partners start taking each other for granted and no longer seek to know what the other one wants.
How are they doing in their career? How is their relationship with family members? How about the in-laws? Not understanding what is ailing the other person or knowing it but choosing to ignore their wants is a recipe for disaster. Unresponsiveness often makes the other spouse feel alone in the marriage, and they start finding ways of being happier, and this could be separating.
Perhaps the couple married too young, and they were not adequately prepared to sustain a marriage, so they feel trapped. In September 2018, the LA Times reported that while divorces are still on the high end, younger generations such as millennials are opting to postpone getting married until later. Meanwhile, they spend their twenties and early to mid-thirties getting advanced degrees, working on their careers, and becoming financially stable.
This approach is different from the Boomer generation, and research indicates that divorce rates among millennials are lower. When people take the time to grow as individuals and prepare for marriage, they are better equipped to respond to each other's needs. They will have witnessed other marriages unfold, seen what works and what does not, so they don't make similar mistakes.
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Getting Married for the Wrong Reasons
We have seen this scenario unfold many times in the movies or your favorite TV show where a couple falls head over heels in love and quickly get engaged. They put together a garden wedding or skip the ceremony altogether and get married at the courthouse. Such couples could be marrying for superficial reasons such as physical attraction, money, and social capital, to give their children a complete home, or even to get back at their ex-spouse.
When people marry for the wrong reasons, they find it difficult to withstand the trials of unions, and they are not fully vested in the relationship. Therefore, a few disputes are enough to have these people abandon marriage and seek happiness elsewhere. They move on to another relationship without so much as self-reflection and end up getting divorced again, and the unfortunate cycle of serial divorces continues.
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Financial Problems
Money-centric problems are among the leading causes of divorce for many couples, and these problems are multidimensional. One spouse could be racking in so much more income than the other, and if they are not gracious about it, a power struggle could ensue. The other spouse could also be harboring insecurities that make them pick fights with the partner who makes a higher income even when their insecurities are unfounded.
Debt is yet another issue that can bring a marriage to a breaking point where one party is unable or is unwilling to control their spending habits. Are they gambling away the kids' college fund? Are they loaning money to their brother with endless business ideas? It could also be the wife or husband spending too much on luxury items, and the credit card bills keep mounting. Eventually, the debt far outweighs the family's income, and this situation can get out of hand if this behavior doesn't change.
Overall, money can be a monster in marriages if the couple is not adept at financial planning, and things are dire when the breadwinner loses their income. Running the household becomes difficult, and bills start piling up – missing mortgage payments, not paying utilities, and credit card bills. The stress of dwindling funds doesn't leave a lot of room for romance and nurturing a relationship, and soon enough, the cracks start to show.
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Too Much Focus on Raising Children
Couples who marry then start a family right away or a few years down the line could find themselves too engrossed in parenting that they forget to work on their relationship. They overlook each other's birthdays, forget that anniversary present, and ultimately neglect their relationship allowing parenting to get in the way.
A thought-provoking TEDx presentation by Michelle Rozen asked viewers, "Do you qualify for divorce?" She asks the audience if the people seeking a divorce genuinely know what they want. Are they going through a personal crisis or a marital crisis? Sometimes it could be child-rearing is too demanding, and the pressure is weighing the parents down so much that romance is not a priority.
It could also be one, or both persons are undergoing life's changes – like a midlife crisis – and they feel getting out of the marriage is an inevitable part of the transformation. Rozen advises couples to think objectively, so they are not blinded by the prevailing circumstances and assume giving up is the only recourse. New parents often face this challenge, especially when childcare is too expensive or when work pressures make juggling both worlds an impossible task.
If the two partners are not keen to set aside time for romantic gestures like a night out with a couple of friends, children will take center stage, and one or both sides will feel neglected. The temptation to cheat is not too far off, and one may give in and justify their actions in one way or another. Loneliness is a sure winner.
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Unrealistic Expectations
Entering into a marriage starry-eyed and thinking every day will be the same as that idyllic honeymoon is another reason for frustrations that trigger divorce. Marriage is hard, and couples must be willing to work out their issues without growing weary, and when they do, to seek external help. Couples therapy is one such intervention that can help with setting realistic expectations of what the union is about and nurture the patience needed to make it last.
Partners may have thought they would make high incomes in a few years and buy a home in a lush neighborhood, take summer vacations to Aspen or other destination of their choice, etc. When business is slow, or one person's career fails to take off as expected, and these dreams don't come to fruition as planned, the relationship will be strained.
Apart from the financial aspect, unrealistic expectations can also be about assuming there will never be arguments or moments when things are not working as desired. Someone's health could decline, and treatment could be a long, arduous journey that tests their commitment to each other. If couples enter into a marriage without setting reasonable objectives, the relationship is doomed from the start.
On the same note, the marriage could crumble due to unmet expectations such as a husband promising to change their behavior for the better but not succeeding. They could have a nasty habit of criticizing the wife, not being present for the kids, or staying away from negative influences, etc. If there is little or no effort to deliver on these promises, the wife may become frustrated and leave.
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Domestic Abuse
Marital unions that are mired with physical and emotional abuse don't have a fair chance of going for the long haul. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) deduces that almost 20 people per minute suffer physical abuse at the hands of a lover nationwide, and this rate translates to more than 10 million victims. Violence could range from minor to severe harm where victims have to be hospitalized for severe injuries.
Research shows that 19% of domestic violence cases have some form of weapon, and if there is a firearm involved, the risk of homicide increases by 500%. Knowing there is a grim possibility of your partner taking a gun and firing during an argument or simply because they were drunk is disheartening. Such a home is not safe for anyone, and children don't have to witness these extreme levels of violence, especially during their impressionable years.
In another harrowing statistic, 85% of victims of physical abuse are women, and they are usually held captive through financial abuse, emotional abuse, and battery. Most women in these situations are so weakened that they are unable to leave or they do so only to return after a promise that things will change for the better.
Do not suffer in silence as this only exacerbates the behavior and puts you and the kids in a precarious situation. Seek help from authorities and get out of an abusive marriage when you still have the chance to walk away whole. San Diego Divorce Attorney has worked with victims of domestic violence and helped them get out of a bad situation to safety.
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Different Interests
At the beginning of the romance, the couple could enjoy many diverse interests like adventure sports, going to the movies, trying different cuisines, and many other fun activities. Years after the honeymoon phase is over and you start to notice your partner is no longer excited about hosting friends for game night and they would rather watch sports at the bar.
The loss of great company doing pleasurable things like walking the dog at the neighborhood park or cooking together could lead couples to drift apart. If this happens for a long time, other things get in the way, and sooner than later, spending quality time together becomes a rare occurrence. Growing further apart can be a scary thing, and this paves the way for pitfalls like finding common ground with another partner – inadvertently or not.
There is barely any compatibility left, and the union weakens with each passing month of being too engrossed in independent activities. One spouse could have a demanding job that entails frequent travel for business trips leaving the other forlorn and not knowing where things stand. You feel like strangers stuck in a marriage with partners screaming for a way out of this misery.
Going for therapy can help couples find the spark that brought them together in the first place and make deliberate plans to do things together after work or at the weekends. If this remedy fails to ignite this spark, it is possible your love has run its course, and it's time to go separate ways.
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Loss of Individuality
Feeling as if you have lost yourself is another common reason why marriages break down. The wife may have started as a homemaker and later on wants to enter the job market or pursue other passions. They could also have left work to focus on starting a family, and meanwhile, their husband is doing everything possible to grow their career.
Having to adapt to another spouse's religious inclinations and ideologies may seem like a worthy sacrifice at first but having to abandon one's uniqueness over and over again takes a toll. When was the last time your partner sacrificed something and met you halfway? Remember, married people may have many similarities like upbringing styles, but they differ in many ways too, and these differences cannot be erased after the union.
This dynamic of a high-flying career and a wife with a college degree they haven't used in a decade often leads to resentment that triggers feelings of inadequacy. The 1979 groundbreaking film "Kramer vs. Kramer" exemplifies just how miserable a spouse can be in a seemingly happy marriage. After years of sacrificing one's goals and embracing the role of a mother and wife, the woman feels she has had enough and wants to be her person again.
While this decision was utterly shocking back then but we now live in an age of feminist views, and the idea of a woman wishing to find her individuality is not too far-fetched. If getting out of a bad marriage is the only remedy, the spouse should proceed without fear of reproach.
Find a Divorce Attorney Near Me
As you can see here, there are many reasons why couples split up in hopes of finding love and happiness. We advise clients to pay attention to the small tell-tale signs of things going amiss and do everything humanly possible to repair the relationship. All told, divorce could be the best thing that happened to you and the children so there should be no stigma about dissolving the marriage.
Life-altering decisions like a legal separation and subsequent divorce must be handled properly, and when that time comes, San Diego Divorce Attorney is your best bet of getting out unscathed. Call our San Diego divorce lawyer today at 858-529-5150 to speak to the best divorce lawyers in southern California.
